I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
