my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
