nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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