In the future we'll all be gay
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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