If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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