just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
