Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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