"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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