It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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