So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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