you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
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She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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