My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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