the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
