my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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