Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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