I am in a vortex of obligation.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
