I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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