how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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