I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
