he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
