So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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