Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
