Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
