My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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