Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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