I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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