my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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