I'm sorry my penis didn't work
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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