I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
