New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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