Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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