Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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