Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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