the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
