his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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