Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
