We won't sleep together?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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