No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
