I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
