Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
