She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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