Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
