whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
