Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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