You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I cannot find my penis.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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