my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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