Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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