Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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