Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
