I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
