Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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