every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
In other news, I just burned my penis
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
