I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
