Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
