Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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